Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Birthday Jokes

Birthday Joke 1

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

Birthday Joke 2

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Birthday Joke 3

Home – A – Age Jokes “That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English teacher. “How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?” “Welcome to school, Simon,” said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. “How old are you?” “I m not old,” said Simon. “I m nearly new.” Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. “How old are you, ma am?” asked Fred. “I m not going to tell you that,” she replied. “But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.” “Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “I m the same age as both of them.” The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. “Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science teacher, “you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.” Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. “I m not eating that, Mum!” she said. “It’s five years old.” Grandma: You

Birthday Joke 4

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

Birthday Joke 5

First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, I m having a witch do. First boy: What’s a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

Birthday Joke 6

Good news! I’ve been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don’t get the bowl until my next birthday!

Birthday Joke 7

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. “Excuse me for disturbing you, ma am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.” “That’s right.” “Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.” “Well, today is his birthday.”

Birthday Joke 8

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

Birthday Joke 9

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn’t you? Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

Birthday Joke 10

I d like to say something nice about you as it’s your birthday. Why don’t you? Because I can’t think of a single thing to say!

Birthday Joke 11

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. What’s the matter? she asked. It’s my birthday! he hollered. And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . . and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. But that

Birthday Joke 12

What did you get for your birthday? Another year!

Birthday Joke 13

When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year!

Birthday Joke 14

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father s. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, Use this all over yourself and think of me. Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.

Birthday Joke 15

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.