Birthday Jokes

Birthdays have inspired some of the funniest birthday jokes, quotes and sayings. So, sit back and get ready to read some of the funniest birthday jokes around.

Q: What do you give 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

When I was a child my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know", she said. "Just give me something with diamonds". That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.

If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday (it's been proven mathematically).

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays.

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then the were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Growing old is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

It's not about age, it's about attitude.

Here's another one of those great birthday jokes:

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A well adjusted woman is one who not only knows what she wants for her birthday, but even knows what she's going to exchange it for.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. - Lucille Ball

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. - Jennifer Yane

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip!

You were born an original. Don't die a copy. - John Mason

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

When is your birthday?
17th January.
What year?
Every year!

Here are some more great birthday jokes:

Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
In a cat-alogue!

Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!

What does a clam do on his birthday?
He shellabrates!

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Here are some more great birthday jokes:

Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope

What is the left side of a birthday cake?
The side that's not eaten.

Q. Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
A. No, they both burn shorter!

Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!

Q. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A. Angel food cake!

What did one candle say to the other?
"Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

Birthday Jokes

Blonde Interview

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The interviewer starts with the basics.
"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -
"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...
" I was just running through that song -
'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

Short Birthday Jokes

Q: What do you give nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A: When it's been sliced.

Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
A: He has a whale of a party!

Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A: "Hi, Buster."

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A: "You're too young to go out."

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake?
A: Shortcake!

Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A: A birthday pheasant!

Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?
A: On his birthday flake!

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
A: Mice cream and cake!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares.

50th Birthday Poems Jokes

When you want to write funny 50th birthday poems or jokes for your loved one, here are some one liners to work with. So, get out your pen and paper, and start thinking about what you'd like to say. Mull it over for a while, and get your creativity flowing. "Over 50" jokes are usually expected at a birthday party for the newly crowned fifty year old. These are just some ideas that you can use to come up some newer variations.

• I much prefer being over the hill to being under it.
  - Bruce Lansky
  
  
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  
  
• "Don't worry about senility," my grandfather used to say. "When it hits you, you won't know it."
  -Bill Cosby
  
  
• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
  
  
• First you forget names,
  then you forget faces,
  then you forget to pull your zipper up,
  then you forget to pull your zipper down.
  - Leo Rosenberg
  
  
• Your back goes out more than you do.
  
  
• The Senility Prayer
  God grant me the senility
  to forget the people I never liked,
  the good fortune to run into the people I do,
  and the eyesight to tell the difference.
  
  
• The cardiologist's diet:
  if it tastes good, spit it out.
  - Paulina Borsook
  
  
• I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
  then pick up the paper and read the"o-bits."
  If my name isn't there, then I know I'm not dead.
  I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
  -Anonymous
  
  
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
  
  
• At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again.
  - Mike Knowles
  
  
• Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places.
  - Glenn Dorenbush
  
  
• You sing along with the elevator music.
  
  
• When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands.
  -Lois Muehl
  
  
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  
  
• Instead of thinking of 50th birthday party ideas, you’re talking about the price of gasoline!
  
  
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  
  
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
  
  
• You wear black socks with sandals.
  
  
• A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police.
  - Henny Youngman
  
  
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  
  
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  
  
• When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  
  
• When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  
  
• Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  
  
• You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.
  
  
• It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  
  
• Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
  
  
• You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  
  
• Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
  
  
• “He that is not handsome at 20, nor strong at 30, nor rich at 40, nor wise at 50, will never be handsome, strong, rich or wise.” - George Herbert
  
  
• You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
  -Ogden Nash
  
  

If you come up with any funny 50th birthday poems or jokes that you'd like to share with us, we'd be happy to put them on our website!

50 Funny Rude Jokes

Funny Rude Joke 1
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Funny Rude Joke 2
Why can’t scientists find a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.

Funny Rude Joke 3
Why can’t women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.

Funny Rude Joke 4
Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!

Funny Rude Joke 5
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.

Funny Rude Joke 6
Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Funny Rude Joke 7
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Funny Rude Joke 8
Why did god give men penises?
So they’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!

Funny Rude Joke 9
Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.

Funny Rude Joke 10
why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
To see her crack

Funny Rude Joke 11
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”

Funny Rude Joke 12
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick

Funny Rude Joke 13
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn’t have any arms.

Funny Rude Joke 14
Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
He came home shit faced.

Funny Rude Joke 15
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn’t be such a pain in the arse.

Funny Rude Joke 16
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.

Funny Rude Joke 17
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?

Funny Rude Joke 18
Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Funny Rude Joke 19
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Funny Rude Joke 20
Why do bunnies have soft sex?
They have cotton balls

Funny Rude Joke 21
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.

Funny Rude Joke 22
Why do horny women order at Subway?
Footlongs

Funny Rude Joke 23
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Funny Rude Joke 24
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Funny Rude Joke 25
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls!

Funny Rude Joke 26
Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Funny Rude Joke 27
Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.

Funny Rude Joke 28
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Funny Rude Joke 29
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Funny Rude Joke 30
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.

Funny Rude Joke 31
Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.

Funny Rude Joke 32
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Funny Rude Joke 33
Why do women wear black underwear?
They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.

Funny Rude Joke 34
Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
She knows she’s given her last blow job.

Funny Rude Joke 35
Why does a dog lick its penis?
Because it can’t make a fist.

Funny Rude Joke 36
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don’t stop for directions.

Funny Rude Joke 37
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
Because you have to hollow the head out.

Funny Rude Joke 38
Why doesn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.

Funny Rude Joke 39
Why don’t Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Funny Rude Joke 40
Why don’t little girls fart?
Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.

Funny Rude Joke 41
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Funny Rude Joke 42
Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
Better traction.

Funny Rude Joke 43
Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove!

Funny Rude Joke 44
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn’t need cleaning.

Funny Rude Joke 45
Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Funny Rude Joke 46
Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.

Funny Rude Joke 47
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.

Funny Rude Joke 48
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Funny Rude Joke 49
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Funny Rude Joke 50
Why was Tigger’s head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!

Birthday Jokes

Birthday Joke 1

A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?” She said, “I d love to be ten again.” On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

Birthday Joke 2

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, “I ll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.” Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything. She says, “Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Birthday Joke 3

Home – A – Age Jokes “That’s an excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English teacher. “How about for someone my Mum’s age, Miss?” “Welcome to school, Simon,” said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. “How old are you?” “I m not old,” said Simon. “I m nearly new.” Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. “How old are you, ma am?” asked Fred. “I m not going to tell you that,” she replied. “But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.” “Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “I m the same age as both of them.” The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. “Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science teacher, “you can tell a tree’s age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.” Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. “I m not eating that, Mum!” she said. “It’s five years old.” Grandma: You

Birthday Joke 4

Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

Birthday Joke 5

First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, I m having a witch do. First boy: What’s a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

Birthday Joke 6

Good news! I’ve been given a goldfish for my birthday . . .the bad news is that I don’t get the bowl until my next birthday!

Birthday Joke 7

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep. “Excuse me for disturbing you, ma am,” he said politely, “but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I’ve noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.” “That’s right.” “Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.” “Well, today is his birthday.”

Birthday Joke 8

Fred: Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days? Harry: No. Why? Fred: Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

Birthday Joke 9

Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Harry: That was a kind thought. But why didn’t you? Fred: I couldn’t find one big enough for your nose.

Birthday Joke 10

I d like to say something nice about you as it’s your birthday. Why don’t you? Because I can’t think of a single thing to say!

Birthday Joke 11

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. What’s the matter? she asked. It’s my birthday! he hollered. And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there’s to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. . . and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. But that

Birthday Joke 12

What did you get for your birthday? Another year!

Birthday Joke 13

When is your birthday? 17th January. What year? Every year!

Birthday Joke 14

Sam’s girlfriend’s birthday was the same day as his father s. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying, Use this all over yourself and think of me. Unfortunately he put the note on his father’s present.

Birthday Joke 15

Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.

Short Jokes

# He is so dumb, he thinks an agent is someone who keeps track of your age!

Q: Why won't anyone eat the dogs birthday cake?
A: Because he always slobbers out the candles!

# Do you think my skin is starting to show its age?"
"I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles."

# "I'm giving a 'surprised' birthday party for you."
"A 'surprised'. birthday party? What's that?"
"That's where I invite a bunch of your friends, and if any of them come, I'll be surprised!"

Q: What's the best way to find out an elephant's age?
A: Check his driver's license.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party?
A: Look for his footprints in the ice cream.

Q: What are your two favourite times to party?
A: Daytime and night-time!

Q: Why did the fat monster put a candle on his tummy?
A: He was celebrating his girthday!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Jimmy.
Jimmy who?
Jimmy some ice cream and cake! I'm starving!

Q; What usually comes after the monster lights the birthday candles?
A: The fire department.

Q: What does the hungry monster get after he's eaten too much ice cream?
A: More ice cream!

Q: What's the difference between a dim monster and a birthday candle?
A: The candle is a thousand times brighter!

# "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
"No, only little babies."

# For his birthday the monster asked for a heavy sweater.
So they gave him a sumo wrestler!

Q: Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
A: Because people kept toasting him!

# Cat: "What did you get him for his birthday?"
Dog: "Pant . . . pant!"
Cat: "Great . . . he needs a pair of pants!"

Short Jokes

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A: When it's been sliced.

Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
A: He has a whale of a party!

Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A: "Hi, Buster."

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A: "You're too young to go out."

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake?
A: Shortcake!

Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A: A birthday pheasant!

Man 1: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday."
Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"
Man 1: "No, a VCP ... Very Cheap Present!"

Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?
A: On his birthday flake!

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
A: Mice cream and cake!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares.

Short Jokes

# When I was a child my family were so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.

# My Husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that matched the color of his eyes - but where can you find a bloodshot tie?

# My wife refuses to use Inter Flora for people's birthdays. She says she doesn't think people would like margarine as a present.

# It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.


Q: What song should you sing to a wildebeest on his birthday?
A: "Happy Birthday To Gnu!"

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Next time, take off the candles."

Q: Did you hear about the flag's birthday?
A: It was a flappy one!

Q: Did you hear about the tree's birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!

Q: What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake?
A: "Hey, what's eating you?"

Q: Did you hear about the dancer's birthday?
A: It was a tappy one!

"I guess I didn't get my birthday wish."
"How do you know?" ?
"You're still here!"

Q: Why did the boy put candles on the toilet?
A: He wanted to have a birthday potty!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares.

Q: What do you give a nine-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A: I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

"Did you go shopping for my birthday present?"
Yeah, and I found the perfect thing."
"What thing is that?"
"Nothing!"

"My birthday's coming"
Do you know what I need?"
"Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"

Stupid Jokes

Pocket Rocket Jumps Gone Bad

So the other day I bought a pocket rocket for my 8 year old son, man those things are cool. Before long I found myself “test riding” it to make sure it's safe for him… though I was actually enjoying myself. I found myself wondering if anybody jumped these things… and thanks to Youtube we found a few pocket rocket jumps that didn't go quite as planned. Funny!

The Purina Weight Loss Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Roscoe, our hunting dog, and was standing in line at Wal-Mart getting ready to check out.

British Ingenuity

During WW II a British fighter pilot was shot down over Germany and he was captured by the Nazis. He was hurt pretty bad, so the German doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in England. So the Germans did.

Amazing Story Of Man and Elephant

In 1988, Steve Jennings was on vacation in Australia after graduating from Southeastern University. During a hike through the Outback, he came across a young elephant standing with one leg raised in the air as if it was in pain.

Stupid Jokes

Loads of stupid jokes for your reading enjoyment. Some are dumb jokes , most are about stupid people and the dumb things they do. You can relate to that right?

A Smart Business Plan

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process .

Life's Tough When You're Stupid

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever.

I was a big fan of the Simpson's, can you believe how long the show has been around? Everyone has their favorite characters, but mine is definately Homer. This guy says the funniest (and often completely true) things. Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever.

Actual McDonald's Application For Employment

These are actual answers on a McDonald's application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid's gonna go far…

50th Birthday Jokes

Just in case you've gotten so old you don't know if you've turned 50 years old yet, here are a few hints that you just might be over that hill… jokes if you will. And before you laugh, remember: we'll all get old eventually.

Top 10 Signs You’re Over The Hill

1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your best friend is dating someone half their age… and aren't breaking any laws.
4. You wear black socks with sandals.
5. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
6. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
7. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
8. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
9. Getting “lucky” means you found your car in the parking lot.
10. You forgot that you already had your 50th birthday.

Famous Quotes About Getting Old

I much prefer being over the hill to being under it. ~Bruce Lansky

At my age I don't care if my mind starts to wander- just as long as it comes back again. ~Mike Knowles

Middle age is when a narrow waist and a broad mind begin to change places. ~Glenn Dorenbush

When you can finally afford the rings you want, you'd rather no one noticed your hands. ~Lois Muehl

A man has reached middle age when he is warned to slow down by his doctor instead of the police. ~Henny Youngman


Poem By Leo Rosenberg

First you forget names,
then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

Hilarious jokes 1

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... have you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Hilarious jokes 2

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again."

BIRTHDAY QUOTES

• 1. The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
  
  ~ Robert Orben
  
  


• 2. May you live all the days of your life.
  
  ~ Jonathan Swift
  
  


• 3. Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.
  
  ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong
  
  


• 4. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
  
  ~ Bernard Baruch
  
  


• 5. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
  
  ~ Robert Frost
  
  


• 6. If I'd known I was going to live this long (100 years), I'd have taken better care of myself.
  
  ~ Ubie Blake
  
  


• 7. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
  
  ~ Lucille Ball
  
  


• 8. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
  
  ~ Jack Benny
  
  


• 9. Pleas'd look forward, pleas'd to look behind, And count each birthday with a grateful mind.
  
  ~ Alexander Pope
  
  


• 10. Whatever with the past has gone, The best is always yet to come.
  
  ~ Lucy Larcom
  
  


• 11. It is lovely, when I forget all birthdays, including my own, to find that somebody remembers me.
  
  ~ Ellen Glasgow
  
  


• 12. Youth is happy because it has the ability to see beauty.
  Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.
  
  ~ Franz Kafka
  
  


• 13. I want to be an artist
  To paint pictures just for you,
  So when each birthday comes around,
  I can send you quite a few.
  
  ~ Anonymous
  
  


• 14. There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.
  
  ~ George Santayana
  
  


• 15. Our birthdays are feathers in the broad wing of time.
  
  ~ Bell Catherine
  
  


• 16. With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.
  
  ~ William Shakespeare
  
  


• 17. Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is.
  The most important product of his effort is his own personality.
  
  ~ Erich Fromm
  
  


• 18. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you were smiling
  live life so that when you die...........
  you are the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
  
  ~Anonymous
  
  


• 19. Your birthday is a special time to celebrate the gift of 'you' to the world.
  
  ~ Anonymous
  

Birthday Jokes

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.


Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.

I told my computer that today is my birthday,

and it said that I needed an upgrade.


Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"

"His employees replied again, "No."

Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"

His workers responded, "A puppy."


Q. What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

A. They were all born on holidays.


Q. What was the average age of a cave man?

A. Stone Age!


Q. What goes up and never comes down?

A. Your age!


Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?

A. Musical Hares!


Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!


Q. Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?

A. It was his berth-day.

Funniest Joke in the World

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

Runner Up:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Another Runner Up:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Still Another Runner Up:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

One More Runner Up:

TEXAN: "Where are you from?"
HARVARD GRAD: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
TEXAN: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

And Still Another Runner Up:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen." The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Amazing - Another Runner Up:

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Last Runner Up:

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." The dog replied, "But that would make no sense at all!"

Funniest Jokes

The Funniest Joke in the U.S.

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:

‘There’s a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”

“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

The Funniest Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

The Funniest Joke in Austria

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain’t nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

The Funniest Joke in Belgium.

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

The Funniest Joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

The study was conducted through the Laugh Lab Web site: www.laughlab.co.uk

And might I add, as a free bonus to InnocentEnglish.com visitors, the funniest kids joke ever, perfect for every four year old:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Poop!

(Yes, that’s the whole joke. Subtle, yet multi-layered, it works on so many levels for all ages- as long as they are four. Skeptical? Try it on any four year old. Note that the word “poop” may be replaced by any number of equally hilarious substitutes limited only by imagination and the vocabulary of the target audience).

Still Fit and Healthy at 100 Birthday Joke

It was Grandpa Bob's 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health.

At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

10 Serious Microsoft Windows Problems

Now a days everybody is working on computers with microsoft windows operating software. while working on computer we face many hectic problems while installing softwares, running programs caused by microsoft windows operating systems.

Bill Gates while making of Microsoft Windows forgot to have a few important features in his world class operating system. the missed important features are creating lot of mess while we work on our computer with microsoft windows operating system.

Here we listed top 10 most important features that are missed in microsoft windows operating system. Hope Bill Gates will try to solve them in the upcoming new operating systems. the Problems are

1. There is a button ‘start‘ but there is no ‘stop‘ button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is ‘Run‘ in the menu. One of my friends clicked ‘run’ he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to ‘sit‘, so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter‘ is available in system? I
find only ‘re-cycle‘, but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is ‘Find‘ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘ find’
button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word‘ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence‘, so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘MY Computer’: when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?

10. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God shake please do not
provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Birthday Jokes

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Q. What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A. They were all born on holidays.

Q. What was the average age of a cave man?
A. Stone Age!

Q. What goes up and never comes down?
A. Your age!

Q. What party game do rabbits like to play?
A. Musical Hares!

Q. What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?
A. Thanks. I'll never part with it!

Q. Why was the stationmaster's son having a cake on a train seat?
A. It was his berth-day.